Pile of Shit

The deeper you go in a relationship the more permission you give that person to have access to your soul. When that person hurts you the pain rocks the very foundation of your belief system. If a stranger tells you you’re ugly it becomes a funny story to tell your friends. If your best friend sits down to coffee with you and tells you you’re ugly it gets into your foundation; your beliefs about self, and relationships. The hurt goes deep and you wonder if you ever want to give that much access to someone again. 

Years ago now, a group of my friends and I got into some tough conversations. Somehow my husband Dwayne and I became the focus of their criticisms. I’m told that if someone uses a sharp knife to cut you, you’ll barely feel it...this felt more like having your heart cut out with a butter knife. I then proceeded to take a jack hammer to my beliefs about self and relationships and rebuild something that was safer for my soul.

I won’t tolerate unforgiveness in my life and so I would pray for these people often. I kept a prayer on my mirror that said, “I choose to forgive and release (blank). Jesus I ask that you would bless them, heal them and deliver them body soul and spirit. At first, I was having to do this quite often, as I tend to replay tough conversations. 

I remember one significant time where I was replaying and having to forgive over and over. It was tormenting! Finally I cried out to God, “HAVE MERCY!” Immediately he showed me a picture of myself behind a wall. I was sitting on top of a mound of treasure. As I sat there I picked up the treasure and examined each piece, or would grab handfuls and let it fall through my fingers. I knew that the treasure was my pain. I treasured all the hurts not because I liked to feel the pain, but because in giving it up I thought the people involved would never know to be sorry. All of a sudden the picture changed and I was sitting on top of a pile of poop going through the same motions. I would pick it up and examine it or squish it through my fingers. When I saw this, I knew what the treasure truly was: a pile of shit. My spirit man yelled, “GET ME OUT!” Immediately the wall crumbled and I felt a release from the unforgiveness I’d held on to. There was no way I was going to sit there massaging shit! Could there be a stronger picture of what it is to hold on to past hurts?

The problem is that I keep finding myself behind the wall again. Can’t say I’ve ever jumped back onto the shit pile but hiding behind the wall is safe and going out into the wide world to dive into relationships again is SOOO not safe. 

When I first saw the vision I heard the word “shit” which I quickly changed to “crap” because I knew the Lord would never say “shit” and to be a true vision I obviously had to change the wording. The thing is “crap” to me is really dumbed down. Crap could be misconstrued as a pile of junk, and we all know that “one man’s junk is another man’s treasure…” That doesn’t suffice. The wording may be offensive to you, but to get through to me God clearly called my unforgiveness “shit”. God uses strong wording throughout the bible. In one instance he likens Israel’s righteousness to “filthy rags”. “Yes”, you say, “Filthy rags. Like this rag I used to clean my motorcycle…” No people! Filthy rags: blood soaked menstrual pads. Yuck! He uses clear language. My pile of crap is a pile of shit, not a pile of junk and clearly not a treasure.

Now, I will never knowingly step behind the wall and return to the stink pile but my imagination loves to justify holding onto my pain. I can’t even name to you the number of scenarios that looked legit but just ended up being me hiding behind the wall with a pile of shit. 

One time I was physically ill because I was so afraid to attend a social event. I started to think, “Look what they did to me, I’m eternally broken.” The Lord only needed to whisper three words, “pile of shit.” I let go of my self pity and stepped out to try again.

Another time I began to doubt the very existence of God. This torment went on for weeks. Looking back, I figure my subconscious reasoned that if God didn't exist I wouldn't need to face my fears…Then the Lord whispered, “pile of shit”.

Another time I likened my fear of relationships to what happened to me one summer when we took the family cliff jumping. I’ve cliff jumped before. It was scary, but in the past I did it with little convincing. This time I couldn’t get my self to do it. It was like I was paralyzed. I told the Lord, “See! I’m paralyzed like when I wanted to cliff jump and couldn’t.” He replied, “Pile of shit.”

Each time I try a different point of view to justify treasuring the pain and each time he calls me out from behind the wall. I don’t come out quiet either. I come out stomping, spitting, crying, yelling, swearing. I’m mad as heck that I don’t have a reason to call that shit treasure, that I have to keep facing my fears. I know I can’t live behind the wall with that pile of shit because obviously only a wierdo would be comfortable there....Surely I was made for more than that...There’s no peace behind the wall and there’s no peace outside the wall...The difference is that I’m alone in there and Jesus is out here. I don’t know how long it will take til I’m ok but I just keep venturing out. I stick close to Jesus and let him do the healing. They say “time heals all things”. Nope! Only repeatedly facing my fears with Jesus heals hurts like these.