God Helps Those Who Help Themselves

I can’t express how abandoned I have felt during my journey through alcohol addiction. I hear of new Christians who have had miraculous interventions and were delivered instantly from their vices. I on the other hand, a lifelong Christian, seem to have just been abandoned down in the pit and have had to use my own strength and resources to claw my way out. I spent so many mornings on my face on the floor crying out for help and deliverance. At the height of my addiction, I was spending hours with God praying, worshiping and reading the word. And yet no deliverance. Then one morning, I picked myself up off the floor, wiped my tears and accepted that Jesus wasn’t coming to rescue me. When I think of that Footprint’s poem, where the guy had struggles and it seemed he was walking alone and then God says, ‘that’s when I carried you’, I just want to call bullshit. No bud, you were walking alone. You had to live out whatever shitty situation happened, and you had to learn to keep walking. What I’ve concluded is that the rescue isn’t coming because it already came. God sent his son who paid the price for my sin and opened up every possibility for us to live an abundant life. He even gave us a book full of wisdom and guidance. Enter free will. Then we make choices that turn us from that abundant life and there are natural consequences that come along with that. That’s where I’m at. Paying the consequences. They’re real, they’re tough and I’m full of regret. For my birthday this year, I heard the words, “Year of victory”. So, I believe he hasn’t left, he’s still cheering me on, he still loves me, but I've got to walk this out on my own, do the hard work on my own and hopefully get back to abundant life. I tell people now, keep praying, but don't wait for rescue 'cause he's not coming, at least not in the way you think. He's no theologian, but I believe Benjamin Franklin when he said, "God helps those who help themselves". Pick yourself up, get the help you need and get ready to do the work. 

Ain't No Grave Gonna Hold My Body Down

Prov. 2:16-22

Wisdom will save you also from the adulterous woman,

   from the wayward woman with her seductive words,

who has left the partner of her youth

   and ignored the covenant she made before God.

Surely her house leads down to death

   and her paths to the spirits of the dead.

None who go to her return

   or attain the paths of life.

The adulterous woman represents anything that leads us away from our covenant with God. The way to her house is subtle. Each step small and seemingly harmless. Each step you take further from wisdom and into deception, self deception. You’re ok, you tell yourself. Look how much you love God with every other area of your life. Who’s perfect, right? The closer you get to her door, death’s door, the more you deceive yourself that your sin is not sin at all. And then sin grabs you and holds you in it’s death grip. It’s there in the still, cold grave that you hear wisdom calling and realize too late that the adulterous woman is a liar, her words poison, that she has lead you so far away from God that you’ve lost yourself entirely. You lay in the grave, faceless, nameless, you are gone...

And then you begin to hear the voice of love calling your name, “Child, rise up!”

Answer Him. Shake off the dust.

“Child, rise up!”

Breath in the breath of God. You can come back to life again. Cause there ain’t no grave that can hold your body down!

Live your new life empowered by the faith of the Son of God who loves you so much that he gave himself for you, and dispenses his life into yours! (Galations 2:20)

Ain’t no grave gonna hold my body down!

How Far is Heaven?

Before I thought of heaven in terms of time and it seemed far away.

Time for sin.

Time for apathy.

Tomorrow I'll be better, make better choices.

Now I think of heaven in terms of distance and it's oh. so. close!

So close, I'm free.

So close, I'm fully alive.

Here and now I am transformed to transform.

"And proclaim as you go, saying, 

'THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN HAS COME NEAR.'

Heal the sick, raise the dead, cleanse lepers, cast out demons." Matt 10:7-8

Healed from Somatoparaphrenia With Borderline Ecclesiophobia

It took me four years of painful memories, four years trying to forgive. Days and days of tears and anger. Times I thought that the pain would mark my life forever. As I mulled over the situation, the people, the conversations in order to be free, I was actually wiring my brain to stay, to stay in the past, in a moment in time. And when we can't forgive it's sin. Then we not only carry the burden of our own sin but we carry the weight of the sins committed against us. Bit by bit, the burden grows. It's subtle; over time we gather evidence to support our pain. The original story begins to include what we're sure were the other persons thoughts and intentions and we look for character flaws to support our unforgiveness. Instead of "time heals all things", time becomes the poison our thoughts stew in. Eventually we find justification for the unforgiveness.

"Forgiveness restores the standard...When you forgive someone you give them permission to live as though they never failed." Kris Vallotton The bible mentions a few times how far God removes our sin from us, how he forgets we even sinned it's so far removed. We often stumble at this point. How is it possible to forget what happened?

It took me four years to learn I was fighting the wrong battle. I made my battle about people and my forgiveness was dependent on them saying and doing certain things.

Often, over the years I would hear God say, "Come up higher." I didn't know what he meant or how to get there. I couldn't come up higher because I had anchored myself to the earth with the weight of their "perceived" sins.

I remember telling a friend that I wished I could let it go. She responded, "You can!" I was annoyed thinking she hadn't been listening to my story, that she didn't understand. I thought it was impossible. I hoped that one day "it" would just let go of me.

One Sunday, my pastor kept asking us what it meant to be fully alive. I left there thinking, "I'm so tired of being half dead. I'm ready to be fully alive." I detached myself from the weight their wrongs by laying it at the feet of Jesus. Over the next few days, every time I would think about the people involved or the painful situation I would say, "I chose to let this go. I give it to you Jesus and I receive your peace and love (and whatever else he would bring to my mind) in return." I began to "come up higher". I found the place where sins are forgotten; at the mercy seat, the throne room, in the presence of God. Up here I can't remember their wrongs but I remember love and most importantly I remember who I am.

Recognize your true enemy, by learning that your real battle is not against flesh and blood (Eph. 6:12). Flesh and blood refers to people and furthermore if we are the body of Christ, then you and I are part of the same flesh and blood. If I cut you, I bleed, we all bleed. You actually set yourself in opposition to Jesus and to the advancing of the kingdom when you battle against his people.

Am I saying don't ever confront people? No way! But I learned that when you come up higher, you confront from a place of humility and love, and you care deeply about the other person's heart. You aren't trying to be right, you're trying to show love. I discovered that when you meditate on the situation too long, the truths you think you know aren't even truth. God is the only perfect judge, the ultimate holder of truths. Let him bring justice. You get to rest, child. Give it to him and find rest. Fight the real battle with praise and worship. Lift God high above your circumstance and you will go higher too. You will be able to forgive. No matter your situation, you can be free if you want.

Pile of Shit

The deeper you go in a relationship the more permission you give that person to have access to your soul. When that person hurts you the pain rocks the very foundation of your belief system. If a stranger tells you you’re ugly it becomes a funny story to tell your friends. If your best friend sits down to coffee with you and tells you you’re ugly it gets into your foundation; your beliefs about self, and relationships. The hurt goes deep and you wonder if you ever want to give that much access to someone again. 

Years ago now, a group of my friends and I got into some tough conversations. Somehow my husband Dwayne and I became the focus of their criticisms. I’m told that if someone uses a sharp knife to cut you, you’ll barely feel it...this felt more like having your heart cut out with a butter knife. I then proceeded to take a jack hammer to my beliefs about self and relationships and rebuild something that was safer for my soul.

I won’t tolerate unforgiveness in my life and so I would pray for these people often. I kept a prayer on my mirror that said, “I choose to forgive and release (blank). Jesus I ask that you would bless them, heal them and deliver them body soul and spirit. At first, I was having to do this quite often, as I tend to replay tough conversations. 

I remember one significant time where I was replaying and having to forgive over and over. It was tormenting! Finally I cried out to God, “HAVE MERCY!” Immediately he showed me a picture of myself behind a wall. I was sitting on top of a mound of treasure. As I sat there I picked up the treasure and examined each piece, or would grab handfuls and let it fall through my fingers. I knew that the treasure was my pain. I treasured all the hurts not because I liked to feel the pain, but because in giving it up I thought the people involved would never know to be sorry. All of a sudden the picture changed and I was sitting on top of a pile of poop going through the same motions. I would pick it up and examine it or squish it through my fingers. When I saw this, I knew what the treasure truly was: a pile of shit. My spirit man yelled, “GET ME OUT!” Immediately the wall crumbled and I felt a release from the unforgiveness I’d held on to. There was no way I was going to sit there massaging shit! Could there be a stronger picture of what it is to hold on to past hurts?

The problem is that I keep finding myself behind the wall again. Can’t say I’ve ever jumped back onto the shit pile but hiding behind the wall is safe and going out into the wide world to dive into relationships again is SOOO not safe. 

When I first saw the vision I heard the word “shit” which I quickly changed to “crap” because I knew the Lord would never say “shit” and to be a true vision I obviously had to change the wording. The thing is “crap” to me is really dumbed down. Crap could be misconstrued as a pile of junk, and we all know that “one man’s junk is another man’s treasure…” That doesn’t suffice. The wording may be offensive to you, but to get through to me God clearly called my unforgiveness “shit”. God uses strong wording throughout the bible. In one instance he likens Israel’s righteousness to “filthy rags”. “Yes”, you say, “Filthy rags. Like this rag I used to clean my motorcycle…” No people! Filthy rags: blood soaked menstrual pads. Yuck! He uses clear language. My pile of crap is a pile of shit, not a pile of junk and clearly not a treasure.

Now, I will never knowingly step behind the wall and return to the stink pile but my imagination loves to justify holding onto my pain. I can’t even name to you the number of scenarios that looked legit but just ended up being me hiding behind the wall with a pile of shit. 

One time I was physically ill because I was so afraid to attend a social event. I started to think, “Look what they did to me, I’m eternally broken.” The Lord only needed to whisper three words, “pile of shit.” I let go of my self pity and stepped out to try again.

Another time I began to doubt the very existence of God. This torment went on for weeks. Looking back, I figure my subconscious reasoned that if God didn't exist I wouldn't need to face my fears…Then the Lord whispered, “pile of shit”.

Another time I likened my fear of relationships to what happened to me one summer when we took the family cliff jumping. I’ve cliff jumped before. It was scary, but in the past I did it with little convincing. This time I couldn’t get my self to do it. It was like I was paralyzed. I told the Lord, “See! I’m paralyzed like when I wanted to cliff jump and couldn’t.” He replied, “Pile of shit.”

Each time I try a different point of view to justify treasuring the pain and each time he calls me out from behind the wall. I don’t come out quiet either. I come out stomping, spitting, crying, yelling, swearing. I’m mad as heck that I don’t have a reason to call that shit treasure, that I have to keep facing my fears. I know I can’t live behind the wall with that pile of shit because obviously only a wierdo would be comfortable there....Surely I was made for more than that...There’s no peace behind the wall and there’s no peace outside the wall...The difference is that I’m alone in there and Jesus is out here. I don’t know how long it will take til I’m ok but I just keep venturing out. I stick close to Jesus and let him do the healing. They say “time heals all things”. Nope! Only repeatedly facing my fears with Jesus heals hurts like these.

My Journal: Come Down

*I write my journal as a letter to Father (God). I write and he responds. 
I think what I experience in life is so common. It would be my hope that my journal entries would encourage others. 
Just a little background to this entry: I have spent the week mulling over old pain and loss and disappointments. God has been faithful to bring encouragement...and some discipline. 

Father,

People talk about perspective like it helps you see the good. I think it helps you see the truth but not necessarily the good.

Like, I'm sitting on the top deck overlooking the backyard and I can see more clearly the mess and the disrepair. It's ugly and chaotic. It would need so much work to make it beautiful.

(He interrupts)
"You only feel hopeless because you're powerless to change it. Otherwise you would look from that perspective and feel better advised on what needs to be done. As you progressed through the list of repairs you would feel encouraged by looking out from a higher perspective."

"I have not called you to climb the mountain and look out over your life and to evaluate things. Come down from there! You are powerless to change what you see. I restore, rebuild, work things for good. I have the power to change it.

"Go down from here. I have made a place for you to rest. You rest, I will work."

Learning to Walk: The Main Thing

I've been especially challenged lately on what I thought was The Main Thing vs. what is The Main Thing. I remember sitting with dear friends earlier this year and the wife passionately saying that more than anything she wanted a relationship with the Father. It offended my mind. I thought it was a good christian thing to say. I want that too but isn't it most important to spread the gospel, heal the sick and etc.? She understood a truth I couldn't yet grasp. 

Since I was young my desire has been to fulfill the great commission and to be followed by signs and wonders. I've put a lot of emphasis on my church performance. I've used that to rate my relationship with the Father and I've missed The Main Thing, which is intimacy with Him. In all my scripture reading and good works I failed to see what was right there; the Father's desire to bring us back into unhindered relationship with Him. It's the reason Jesus came and died. 

I am currently in an environment which allows total freedom for God's spirit to move in a service. People laugh, cry, dance, shout, fall on the floor, there's especially a lot of twitching; demons come flying out and people experience freedom. It's a truly beautiful mess.

I came here specifically to get an impartation to do signs and wonders. I came here be free to experience the Spirit of God whatever it might look or sound like; to make me a beautiful mess.

The unfortunate part is that I can experience all of that without an intimacy with God. 

For example, I've been through many fire tunnels over the years. Honestly I've never felt anything. I recently had the opportunity to go through a fire tunnel again. I got in line ready to experience nothing. That was not to be! There was a section of the tunnel where no-one could stand up. Even the people praying for us kept falling over. When I approached that section the joy of the Lord hit me. I began laughing and laughing and I could not stand up. Everytime I tried I would fall to the floor again. The point here is that I was inevitably going to have that experience because it pleased the Holy Spirit to manifest his presences in that way. It didn't come out of a relationship with God.The manifest presence of God was felt by all regardless of our level of intimacy.

I can prophesy without having intimacy with God. I can cast out demons without intimacy with God. I can perform miracles without an intimacy with God. I can function in my gifting without relationship with the Father. His gifts are without repentance. (Rom. 11:29) But when I meet Jesus face to face he could look at me and say, "I don't know you" because I never pursued relationship with Him.(Matt 7:22-23)

Our Father is so good and loves restoration. I've begun to search for intimacy with Him and found He was right there waiting with a smile on his face a twinkle in His eye.

I'll still do good works, the presence of God will still manifest on me but most importantly my Jesus will know me.