Waiting
I’ve grown up with stories of provision. My grandparents were in the ministry, most often in rural communities. My grandma says there were days when she would walk down the stairs from her room and say things like, “Lord, if we could just have a roll of toilet paper.” Soon after a farmer showed up at her door and sheepishly handed the pastor’s wife a roll of toilet paper. “Lord, if we could just have a bag of beans. I could do so much with a bag of beans.” Soon there were groceries on the front porch and amongst them a bag of beans. God is faithful. God provides.
Too often I worry without praying; I don’t think to ask, I just wait for answers. This time as I stood by my kitchen sink remembering my grandma’s faith I asked God if we could have some meat. We had the veggies and some rice but if we could just have some meat and maybe some eggs, I could do so much with that. Almost immediately I had the impression of going to Freshco at 12:30 the next day and seeing a man with a white hat, who would give us meat. I’m familiar with God speaking to me with impressions like this. And I know it’s him when I just can’t shake it. I woke up still thinking about it the next day. You should know, I’m fine to pray for strangers in the comfort of my home. I will pray for and be generous to my family and friends, but to engage a stranger in public, because God asked terrifies me. And to engage them in this way! What was I to stand in front of the store like a beggar waiting for meat? Did I have to go up to the first man with a white hat and say, “God said to buy me some meat.” Oh goodness!... But I have a motto, “You may feel afraid, but you don’t have to be afraid. Do it afraid!” I also began to think that if I didn’t show up and this person was learning to hear from God and they were meant to bless us I didn’t want to discourage their faith. Still I sound much stronger, and calmer than I felt. I’m not quite expressing this properly. I went through waves of fear, doubt, embarrassment. All the things you would feel if it was you....ya I felt that. So I called a friend, who I knew would pray for me. She was excited and encouraged me to go to see what would happen. We prayed that the man would have courage to obey God’s voice and would know that he heard from God. We felt that I wouldn’t need to go to the man and ask but that he would know he was sent to meet me. I got off the phone feeling great anticipation.
Off to the grocery store I went for 12:30. I know how you want this story to end. Me too. I stood outside waiting for my provision, feeling a little pathetic, a little vulnerable. I stood in front of the grocery store looking like I was waiting for someone and I was. Lots of men with white hats. I smiled and made eye contact with them all. One man with a white hat kept looking at me and I at him but he never came over. At 12:45 I left.
I’m still confident that it was God’s voice I heard, or else I don’t know what his voice sounds like at all. Which I don’t believe. On my way home as I thought through the experience what I felt was a grieving. A grieving for all the people waiting. Waiting for us to obey when we hear God’s voice, waiting for us to be his hands, his feet, and his heart. I have a feeling I won’t be so afraid next time God asks me to engage a stranger. I have a feeling that my fear will be replaced by an urgency and my doubts and questions replaced by boldness. I will not leave them waiting.
