The Facade

At a first glance you’d think I had it all together; nicely dressed, hair and make-up meticulous, kids well behaved, husband and I sit holding hands. You think you want my life. You ask how I am. I smile, “oh good!” I say. But I’m not good today and I desperately wish someone would see past the facade.
I wish you would...
and yet I hope you don’t.
Then you’d know
I’m weak
I struggle
I lose hope sometimes

We say, “Let’s do life together”, let’s be the Acts church with everything in common; a family, a community. I agree as long as it’s me helping you. I have grace for your struggles. But me?
I’d rather be digging in this pit...
until I reach despair.
Despair...
It’s not the only thing lurking in the darkness. There’s self-pity, resentment that friends and family can’t use their magic to discern my needs. The pride here is a suffocating mask called Humility.
It’s cold
dark
silent
Then I meet others.

There are real people down here. I didn’t see them at first. Their eyes are dark and empty, my eyes still glow with the light of God even in this pit I’ve dug. I’ve unearthed these real people in my digging. They’ve become part of the mud, with no hope of resurfacing until now.

And I think,

In this pit of vacant eyes
how could I, this child of light
be here amongst you?
The living among the dead.

No matter my pain and despair I have hope, they don’t. I have living water, they are eternally thirsty and let me tell, you there’s no water down here. No matter what hard times I face on earth I have eternal heaven ahead, they have eternal hell...starting now!

The voice of God breaks through.
“I died for this!”
I let Christ’s death and resurrection rise up in me. My flesh cries out painfully. Self-pity, resentment, pride...
“Pride? I don’t want to give up pride, then they’ll all see”, I whine.
“See what? That I am the joy and strength of your life? That you can’t live without me?”, Truth speaks.
Yes, I even let go of pride.

And what about the others in the pit? I’m bringing them to the surface with me, many as possible!

And you? I’m sorry I lied. I’m sorry I didn’t let you help me.

How am I doing?
Not good. Not today.