It took me four years of painful memories, four years trying to forgive. Days and days of tears and anger. Times I thought that the pain would mark my life forever. As I mulled over the situation, the people, the conversations in order to be free, I was actually wiring my brain to stay, to stay in the past, in a moment in time. And when we can't forgive it's sin. Then we not only carry the burden of our own sin but we carry the weight of the sins committed against us. Bit by bit, the burden grows. It's subtle; over time we gather evidence to support our pain. The original story begins to include what we're sure were the other persons thoughts and intentions and we look for character flaws to support our unforgiveness. Instead of "time heals all things", time becomes the poison our thoughts stew in. Eventually we find justification for the unforgiveness.
"Forgiveness restores the standard...When you forgive someone you give them permission to live as though they never failed." Kris Vallotton The bible mentions a few times how far God removes our sin from us, how he forgets we even sinned it's so far removed. We often stumble at this point. How is it possible to forget what happened?
It took me four years to learn I was fighting the wrong battle. I made my battle about people and my forgiveness was dependent on them saying and doing certain things.
Often, over the years I would hear God say, "Come up higher." I didn't know what he meant or how to get there. I couldn't come up higher because I had anchored myself to the earth with the weight of their "perceived" sins.
I remember telling a friend that I wished I could let it go. She responded, "You can!" I was annoyed thinking she hadn't been listening to my story, that she didn't understand. I thought it was impossible. I hoped that one day "it" would just let go of me.
One Sunday, my pastor kept asking us what it meant to be fully alive. I left there thinking, "I'm so tired of being half dead. I'm ready to be fully alive." I detached myself from the weight their wrongs by laying it at the feet of Jesus. Over the next few days, every time I would think about the people involved or the painful situation I would say, "I chose to let this go. I give it to you Jesus and I receive your peace and love (and whatever else he would bring to my mind) in return." I began to "come up higher". I found the place where sins are forgotten; at the mercy seat, the throne room, in the presence of God. Up here I can't remember their wrongs but I remember love and most importantly I remember who I am.
Recognize your true enemy, by learning that your real battle is not against flesh and blood (Eph. 6:12). Flesh and blood refers to people and furthermore if we are the body of Christ, then you and I are part of the same flesh and blood. If I cut you, I bleed, we all bleed. You actually set yourself in opposition to Jesus and to the advancing of the kingdom when you battle against his people.
Am I saying don't ever confront people? No way! But I learned that when you come up higher, you confront from a place of humility and love, and you care deeply about the other person's heart. You aren't trying to be right, you're trying to show love. I discovered that when you meditate on the situation too long, the truths you think you know aren't even truth. God is the only perfect judge, the ultimate holder of truths. Let him bring justice. You get to rest, child. Give it to him and find rest. Fight the real battle with praise and worship. Lift God high above your circumstance and you will go higher too. You will be able to forgive. No matter your situation, you can be free if you want.
