Pile of Shit

The deeper you go in a relationship the more permission you give that person to have access to your soul. When that person hurts you the pain rocks the very foundation of your belief system. If a stranger tells you you’re ugly it becomes a funny story to tell your friends. If your best friend sits down to coffee with you and tells you you’re ugly it gets into your foundation; your beliefs about self, and relationships. The hurt goes deep and you wonder if you ever want to give that much access to someone again. 

Years ago now, a group of my friends and I got into some tough conversations. Somehow my husband Dwayne and I became the focus of their criticisms. I’m told that if someone uses a sharp knife to cut you, you’ll barely feel it...this felt more like having your heart cut out with a butter knife. I then proceeded to take a jack hammer to my beliefs about self and relationships and rebuild something that was safer for my soul.

I won’t tolerate unforgiveness in my life and so I would pray for these people often. I kept a prayer on my mirror that said, “I choose to forgive and release (blank). Jesus I ask that you would bless them, heal them and deliver them body soul and spirit. At first, I was having to do this quite often, as I tend to replay tough conversations. 

I remember one significant time where I was replaying and having to forgive over and over. It was tormenting! Finally I cried out to God, “HAVE MERCY!” Immediately he showed me a picture of myself behind a wall. I was sitting on top of a mound of treasure. As I sat there I picked up the treasure and examined each piece, or would grab handfuls and let it fall through my fingers. I knew that the treasure was my pain. I treasured all the hurts not because I liked to feel the pain, but because in giving it up I thought the people involved would never know to be sorry. All of a sudden the picture changed and I was sitting on top of a pile of poop going through the same motions. I would pick it up and examine it or squish it through my fingers. When I saw this, I knew what the treasure truly was: a pile of shit. My spirit man yelled, “GET ME OUT!” Immediately the wall crumbled and I felt a release from the unforgiveness I’d held on to. There was no way I was going to sit there massaging shit! Could there be a stronger picture of what it is to hold on to past hurts?

The problem is that I keep finding myself behind the wall again. Can’t say I’ve ever jumped back onto the shit pile but hiding behind the wall is safe and going out into the wide world to dive into relationships again is SOOO not safe. 

When I first saw the vision I heard the word “shit” which I quickly changed to “crap” because I knew the Lord would never say “shit” and to be a true vision I obviously had to change the wording. The thing is “crap” to me is really dumbed down. Crap could be misconstrued as a pile of junk, and we all know that “one man’s junk is another man’s treasure…” That doesn’t suffice. The wording may be offensive to you, but to get through to me God clearly called my unforgiveness “shit”. God uses strong wording throughout the bible. In one instance he likens Israel’s righteousness to “filthy rags”. “Yes”, you say, “Filthy rags. Like this rag I used to clean my motorcycle…” No people! Filthy rags: blood soaked menstrual pads. Yuck! He uses clear language. My pile of crap is a pile of shit, not a pile of junk and clearly not a treasure.

Now, I will never knowingly step behind the wall and return to the stink pile but my imagination loves to justify holding onto my pain. I can’t even name to you the number of scenarios that looked legit but just ended up being me hiding behind the wall with a pile of shit. 

One time I was physically ill because I was so afraid to attend a social event. I started to think, “Look what they did to me, I’m eternally broken.” The Lord only needed to whisper three words, “pile of shit.” I let go of my self pity and stepped out to try again.

Another time I began to doubt the very existence of God. This torment went on for weeks. Looking back, I figure my subconscious reasoned that if God didn't exist I wouldn't need to face my fears…Then the Lord whispered, “pile of shit”.

Another time I likened my fear of relationships to what happened to me one summer when we took the family cliff jumping. I’ve cliff jumped before. It was scary, but in the past I did it with little convincing. This time I couldn’t get my self to do it. It was like I was paralyzed. I told the Lord, “See! I’m paralyzed like when I wanted to cliff jump and couldn’t.” He replied, “Pile of shit.”

Each time I try a different point of view to justify treasuring the pain and each time he calls me out from behind the wall. I don’t come out quiet either. I come out stomping, spitting, crying, yelling, swearing. I’m mad as heck that I don’t have a reason to call that shit treasure, that I have to keep facing my fears. I know I can’t live behind the wall with that pile of shit because obviously only a wierdo would be comfortable there....Surely I was made for more than that...There’s no peace behind the wall and there’s no peace outside the wall...The difference is that I’m alone in there and Jesus is out here. I don’t know how long it will take til I’m ok but I just keep venturing out. I stick close to Jesus and let him do the healing. They say “time heals all things”. Nope! Only repeatedly facing my fears with Jesus heals hurts like these.

My Journal: Come Down

*I write my journal as a letter to Father (God). I write and he responds. 
I think what I experience in life is so common. It would be my hope that my journal entries would encourage others. 
Just a little background to this entry: I have spent the week mulling over old pain and loss and disappointments. God has been faithful to bring encouragement...and some discipline. 

Father,

People talk about perspective like it helps you see the good. I think it helps you see the truth but not necessarily the good.

Like, I'm sitting on the top deck overlooking the backyard and I can see more clearly the mess and the disrepair. It's ugly and chaotic. It would need so much work to make it beautiful.

(He interrupts)
"You only feel hopeless because you're powerless to change it. Otherwise you would look from that perspective and feel better advised on what needs to be done. As you progressed through the list of repairs you would feel encouraged by looking out from a higher perspective."

"I have not called you to climb the mountain and look out over your life and to evaluate things. Come down from there! You are powerless to change what you see. I restore, rebuild, work things for good. I have the power to change it.

"Go down from here. I have made a place for you to rest. You rest, I will work."

Learning to Walk: The Main Thing

I've been especially challenged lately on what I thought was The Main Thing vs. what is The Main Thing. I remember sitting with dear friends earlier this year and the wife passionately saying that more than anything she wanted a relationship with the Father. It offended my mind. I thought it was a good christian thing to say. I want that too but isn't it most important to spread the gospel, heal the sick and etc.? She understood a truth I couldn't yet grasp. 

Since I was young my desire has been to fulfill the great commission and to be followed by signs and wonders. I've put a lot of emphasis on my church performance. I've used that to rate my relationship with the Father and I've missed The Main Thing, which is intimacy with Him. In all my scripture reading and good works I failed to see what was right there; the Father's desire to bring us back into unhindered relationship with Him. It's the reason Jesus came and died. 

I am currently in an environment which allows total freedom for God's spirit to move in a service. People laugh, cry, dance, shout, fall on the floor, there's especially a lot of twitching; demons come flying out and people experience freedom. It's a truly beautiful mess.

I came here specifically to get an impartation to do signs and wonders. I came here be free to experience the Spirit of God whatever it might look or sound like; to make me a beautiful mess.

The unfortunate part is that I can experience all of that without an intimacy with God. 

For example, I've been through many fire tunnels over the years. Honestly I've never felt anything. I recently had the opportunity to go through a fire tunnel again. I got in line ready to experience nothing. That was not to be! There was a section of the tunnel where no-one could stand up. Even the people praying for us kept falling over. When I approached that section the joy of the Lord hit me. I began laughing and laughing and I could not stand up. Everytime I tried I would fall to the floor again. The point here is that I was inevitably going to have that experience because it pleased the Holy Spirit to manifest his presences in that way. It didn't come out of a relationship with God.The manifest presence of God was felt by all regardless of our level of intimacy.

I can prophesy without having intimacy with God. I can cast out demons without intimacy with God. I can perform miracles without an intimacy with God. I can function in my gifting without relationship with the Father. His gifts are without repentance. (Rom. 11:29) But when I meet Jesus face to face he could look at me and say, "I don't know you" because I never pursued relationship with Him.(Matt 7:22-23)

Our Father is so good and loves restoration. I've begun to search for intimacy with Him and found He was right there waiting with a smile on his face a twinkle in His eye.

I'll still do good works, the presence of God will still manifest on me but most importantly my Jesus will know me.

First Truths

Kris Valloton talks about a study that showed whatever we first learn about a subject we will always compare against what we’re told about it after. I don’t know how to word that better but here’s an example: If you are first taught that God created the earth when you go to school and they teach you about evolution the evolution teaching will be bounced against what you were first taught about creation. What you are first taught you are likely to believe your whole life. 

There’s an elderly woman I know, a christian for most of her life, we’ll call her Beth. As a child Beth was often told by her mother that she hated her and wished she was never born. Beth grew up and became a pastor’s wife who helped and counselled many over the years. She has been loved and cherished by all. Her walk with God impacted and changed lives. Many have gathered around her as she’s aged to care for her and love on her. Because of the rejection she experienced as a child she has never felt the love people have for her. She lives in a state of perpetual rejection. If you say you love her, she’ll say, “I don’t think Jim does”. If you invest time in her she’ll tell you Jane never comes around. She lives in a state of poverty and lack of love because she was first taught she was unloveable.

65 years of serving God, healing the sick, delivering people from demons, caring for the orphan, the widow, the poor. And yet unloveable. 

Beth is a worshipper. She could be found many times pouring out her love and adoration for God, with tears pouring down her face. And yet unloveable.

She’s been diagnosed with cancer multiple times but cancer can’t live in her body. Each time she would receive the diagnosis she would begin to thank God for his goodness and the next time she went back to the doctor it would be gone. And yet unloveable.

Beth was first taught that sickness had to bow to the name of Jesus so she believed that God is good and sovereign and in everything we should give thanks. Beth had faith for the healing the cancer in her body but not the cancer in her soul. She was first taught that she was unloveable and all the love poured out towards her has bounced off of that.

I would challenge you that there are truths our spirits were first taught and they trump the things of the mind and body. Listen and remember what was really first said about you, “I loved you before the foundation of the world. I was the first one to love you. Before your parents even knew you existed I was lovingly creating you in your mother’s belly. I know your name! I’ve counted the hairs on your head! Who else can say that?” 

Close your eyes and think back with your spirit man and hear the first words ever spoken over you: “I love you.” Let the Holy Spirit guide your memory forward again and begin to bounce all the other words off of that truth. 

Can We Linger?

My life, a novel being written. Co-written, by me and the Father. I try to let him do most of the writing but my free will dictates changes at times.

I sit in my house full of empty shelves and full boxes. Ready to move, ready for a new chapter. But can I just linger a moment before we turn the page?

Flip back to ten years ago when Dwayne and I purchased this house. I was pregnant with Lydia. Pregnant for the last time and loving every minute. Surrounded by toddlers and preshcoolers- little Destiny was 4, Faith 3 and Gracie 1. The chaos and the blessing of those days. Homeschooling, then off to work at Goodness Me, girls attend BCS, Faith plays sports, Grace's friends teach her about relationships, Lydia loves and is loved by all, Destiny blooms, Destiny has graduated!

Can we linger?

Kimberlee married, nieces born, Hannah lives with us, Jared lives with us, Christmas’s, Thanksgiving, silly times and serious times with my family. Hannah married. Memories. Good times!

Freedom House days…doing life and ministry with covenant friends: Dave and Krissy, Brian and Sharlyss, Steve and Nicki, Trevor and Sara and many more. Being challenged and stretched. Frosty Fest, Living Nativity, Fusion, Leadership team. Prayer nights with Marty and Sara, Leanne, Curtis. Life changing! Part of something bigger than myself, for the glory of God.

Flip forward a little during those days and enter the Reimer family. Can we linger? Hot tub chats, small group, worship team…friends who are like family.
Worship team, Sarah Y., Jamie, Jim, Alisha, Dallas, Nadine, Wanda, Renyck, Jeff, Sara H., Leanne and others.

A year and half now at Lakemount under the anointed teachings of Matt Tapley; healing, hope, dreams restored. Reconnecting with Jonathan and Crystal.

Can we linger?

10 years is a lot of history. 

Beloved

Memorable

Cherished

Growth

Change

Death

Life

Each chapter is labeled “More than You Could Ask or Imagine”

That’s what my life has been.

I’m excited for what’s ahead. 

But can we linger just a moment more?

The World of the Awakened

They say the world is round. They say that if you travel far enough in one direction that you’ll end up back where you started. Have you tried? I have. I’m here to tell you that there is an end. There is a world that looks a little like ours but perfected in every way.

I was very young when I ran away. 

I was very young when I went searching for the end of the world. It didn’t take long to find out that the reality we live in is just a dream. Within this dream is a map of the other world, the world where we wake up. I know, you feel like this all sounds very mysterious, like a sci-fi story. It’s not. It’s truth. Many people have been there. You know them. They’re the crazy annoying ones. They’re ones that challenge and offend us. We want what they have but we’d rather sleep. 

It’s not a restful sleep or a sweet dream. It’s more like a hamster on a wheel, a lunatic banging their head against a wall. 

The signs pointing to the other world are everywhere. There are whole books written! Instead of following the books we change the words to match our dreams.

But I’ve been there and I don’t want to come back. I want you to come! I want you all to come.

Oh wait! I said the other world was perfect. It’s not. There’s one thing: I’ve seen you there. You’re asleep. Despite trumpets blaring, thunderings and singing, you sleep. I can’t feel sad there, no one can but I do wish you’d wake up.

I was very young when I ran away. 

I read in a history book that there was this man who came to our world, the dream world, and he walked among us awake. He interrupted our dreams to show us how to get to the world of the Awakened. We loved him and then we hated him and killed him. He loved us anyway. Even though he died he came back to life, he made a way to get to the end of the world and wake up. That’s what the book said. The book said that because he was awake that we could be awake too. He said that we would wake up others. He said that we would lead many people to the end of the world if we would believe the history book was true.

Even though I was young when I read the story, the hamster wheel dream had already tired on me. I longed to be awake!

Where were the people who could lead me there? I got the history book from The Dreamer’s Library. Had the people there been to the end of the world? The world of the Awakened? They gave me more books and I ran away to find it.

I know it’s tiring searching for the Awakened Ones so let me just tell you, there are many houses they claim to live in but when you go they’re all sleeping. One time I entered this house, you’re welcome to, any one is. The lights were all on, there was music playing. I entered the great hall and the Awakened One there was telling a beautiful story that should've woken every one in the room but they just slept on. It was hard to understand. I wondered if it was the air. I don’t know. Maybe I was just grasping. We all heard the same message about the world of the Awakened. Why did everyone want to sleep?

I zigzagged my was across the globe. I met many like me. It’s true! I’m not crazy. You understand that you are, right? You the sleepyhead, you are crazy. I met many like me. We traveled together and found the end of the earth, the Awakened Ones.

It’s perfect here (other than you sleeping). People are happy, healthy. We all prosper in every way. No sickness or pain. Ha! You don’t believe me! You think I’m dreaming. 

How can I wake you up? Will you pick up that history book again?

 Guess where the end of the world is? ...Just open your eyes.

“…your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven…” (Matt 6:10)

Testimony: The Story of a Girl...

This is the story of a girl. She cried a river and drown the whole world...

Awhile back this lady came into the health food store I work at with her grand daughter. The unusual thing was that the little girl wept through the entire shopping trip. Not a bratty I-want-candy kind of thing. It was the kind of cry where your heart broke and the tears just came. There’s no sound, no chest heaving, the tears just pour out. That was this girl. She silently cried following her grandma around the store. I just wanted to hug her and take away whatever was grieving her. 

Her grandmother brought her over to the supplements and explained that her granddaughter, Ella could barely attend school because she cried so much. The doctors had diagnosed her at 7 years old with an anxiety disorder. The grandma was hoping that something we sold would prevent her from going on medication. "Righteous indignation" rose up in me when she said that. I knew the label “Anxiety Disorder” would stick with that young girl her whole life. It would shape her, it would shape her interactions with people, it would lead her down a road of heavy medication, possible drug addiction, maybe even suicide. I felt God speak to me and say that, “They see weakness, I see strength”. He told me that she was sensitive and could feel the feelings of all those around her. That He gave her a gift of compassion. I felt such an urgency to pray for her and tell her what God sees. It seemed inappropriate with my coworkers standing there. I didn’t know how the grandma would feel. What if I just silently prayed for her? We did our best and recommended the supplements that we thought would help and they proceeded to cash. I saw them cash out. I saw them gather their purchases. I saw them walk out the door. The whole time, I couldn't shake it, I need to pray for her. I left my desk and followed them outside.

“Excuse me, can I pray for her?”

The grandma says yes. I bend down and look into that tear stained face and tell that girl that she is strong and special. That she is sensitive because God gave her a gift of compassion. I tell her that whenever she feels overwhelmed by the sadness that she just needs to tell Jesus and he will help her. Then I pray, the grandma thanks me and they leave.

I think about Ella and pray for her sometimes. Last week I was thinking about how great it would be to know if she’s doing better.

Yesterday a woman came in looking for flu medicine for a child. I showed her some products and she exclaimed that she loves homeopathic medicine because of what it did for her granddaughter. She explained that her granddaughter used to miss a lot of school because of anxiety but this year she hasn’t missed any, “She’s a whole new person.” I asked her if her name was Ella. Yes it was. 

Ella! Healed, transformed into a whole new person! Thank you, Jesus! 

Between Ella and I we know why she’s healed. God loves children and can speak to them so easily. I have no doubt that he’s begun a relationship with her. Don’t get me wrong. I do believe that the supplements we sell are effective. They help the body to correct itself rather than just masking symptoms, as allopathic medicine does. But it saddens me that the grandmother put her faith in the medicine. The supplements we sell do not make someone “a whole new person” only God can do that. 

Bless you, Ella!